The moment you admit a mistake to a narcissist, the conversation about what they did can suddenly be over. You thought you were being fair. You thought taking responsibility showed maturity. But your honesty gets turned into ammunition.
You can acknowledge something you wish you’d handled differently without agreeing that it explains everything they did afterward. That’s where this gets confusing, so let’s slow it down.
The fairness trap starts with “We both made mistakes”
You’ve probably heard some version of this: “Well, we both made mistakes.”
Maybe you agree because, yes, you know you aren’t perfect. There are things you wish you had handled differently. But sometimes what they’re hearing is, “Then we’re equally responsible for everything that happened.”
You’re taking responsibility for one thing you did. They’re using that to explain away their choices.
You can own your actions without taking responsibility for someone else’s choices.
Forgetting plans doesn’t excuse three days of silence
Say you forget plans you made together. You should have remembered, and you apologize. Then they stop speaking to you for three days, shutting you out when you try to work things out.
Later, when you bring up being punished with silence, they say, “Maybe we both could have handled things differently.”
There are two separate responsibilities here:
- You forgot the plans, and you can apologize for that.
- They chose to shut you out for three days, and you can have a problem with that.
They can be upset that you forgot. That doesn’t mean their response can’t be discussed.
When your reaction erases the whole pattern
Maybe you’ve been dealing with the same behavior again and again. You’ve explained it calmly. You’ve asked them to stop. Nothing changes, and eventually you raise your voice.
Now the conversation is about your yelling.
You may genuinely regret yelling. You can own that. But you still need to look at what you were reacting to, how often it happened, and whether anything changed when you brought it up calmly. Otherwise, the whole history disappears and we’re only looking at the moment you finally got fed up.
How DARVO turns the conversation around
DARVO is a pattern identified by psychologist Jennifer Freyd. It stands for deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.
It can explain how you bring up something that hurt you, then somehow end up being the one apologizing.
- They deny what happened or make it sound like nothing. You’re silly for bringing it up.
- Then they attack your tone, timing, memory, or motives. Why are you bringing this up now? Why are you always looking for a problem?
- Eventually, they’re telling you how hurt they are by what you’re doing to them.
The original issue gets left somewhere at the beginning of the conversation.
You start reassuring them instead of being heard
Maybe your partner has been short with you for weeks. They cut you off when you speak. They roll their eyes when you try to talk about something that matters to you.
When you finally say, “You’ve been pretty short with me lately, and it’s starting to hurt,” they say they’re stressed at work. They may be stressed, and you can understand that. But you’re still trying to talk about how you’re being treated.
Then it turns into, “This is why I’ve been pulling away. I can’t say anything around you. Everything turns into this whole thing.”
And because you care, you start reassuring them. You explain that you want them to feel safe talking to you. You may even apologize for bringing it up when they were stressed.
But what happened to the eye rolling? What happened to being cut off?
Research on people confronting someone about wrongdoing found that those who reported more DARVO also reported more self-blame. Walking away blaming yourself doesn’t prove you caused the whole problem.
Understanding your hurt isn’t the same as caring about it
You may keep explaining because you think, “Maybe they just don’t understand how much this hurts me.”
But cognitive empathy and emotional empathy aren’t the same thing. Cognitive empathy is understanding someone else’s perspective. Emotional empathy involves responding to or sharing concern for what they feel.
Research involving people with narcissistic personality disorder has found difficulty with emotional empathy even when their ability to understand another person’s perspective is intact. Someone can understand that you’re hurt without responding with the concern you’d expect.
If you’ve explained it, they’ve acknowledged it, and they keep doing it, more explanations may not create change.
Why you may keep falling into this pattern
Even when you can see what’s happening, you may find yourself walking right back into it. Trust me, I’ve been there.
1. You’ve learned to silence yourself
Self-silencing means holding back what you think or need to protect the relationship or avoid the conflict you expect.
Maybe they ask where you want to go, and you say you don’t care. But you do care. You just know having a preference can turn into a discussion you don’t have the energy for.
Over time, you may start checking their reaction before deciding whether you’re allowed to have your own. Maybe you were expected to be agreeable. Maybe you learned that being a good partner meant putting your needs last. If speaking up repeatedly went badly, it makes sense that you’d hesitate.
2. You depend on the person who’s hurting you
Betrayal trauma theory looks at harm involving someone you trust or depend on. That dependence matters.
Maybe you share a home. Maybe you depend on them financially. Or maybe they’re normally the person you turn to when you’re struggling, and it’s hard to accept that they’re part of why you’re struggling.
Acknowledging the harm can bring up painful questions: What does this mean for the relationship? Who would I have without this person? Who would I be?
Research on betrayal trauma has linked harm involving someone close or trusted with depression, dissociation, and post-traumatic stress. It isn’t a test of the fairness trap itself, but it helps explain why fully facing the harm can feel threatening.
3. You’ve learned to keep them calm
Appeasement can look like reassuring them, agreeing with them, taking care of them, or apologizing because you’ve learned those things might settle the situation down.
Pushing back may feel risky. You may be afraid of their reaction, afraid they’ll leave, or afraid you won’t get through the night without another blowup. Then they calm down, and you feel relief: “Okay, we’re okay for now.”
Appeasement and trauma bonding can exist in the same relationship, but they’re not the same thing. An apology to keep the peace doesn’t by itself mean someone is trauma bonded. If this part feels familiar, the Breakthrough Intensive goes further into breaking a trauma bond.
4. You give their side more attention than your own
This doesn’t have to come from trauma. You may simply be someone who tries hard to understand people.
You think about their stress, their childhood, and what might be difficult for them. When they say you hurt them, you take it seriously and consider what you could have done differently.
But when you need the same care, you may get very little back. You explain their behavior to yourself, then explain your behavior to them. You’re the only one doing the explaining for both people.
Are they willing to examine their behavior without immediately bringing the conversation back to yours?
Four checkpoints for spotting the fairness trap
Sometimes you won’t see the pattern until after the conversation, when you’ve had a little room to think. Some of us work better that way.
1. How often does this happen?
Don’t look at every incident as though none of the others happened. If you’ve had the same conversation so many times you already know what they’ll say, look at the pattern.
2. Where did your concern go?
Can they hear you out even if their first reaction is defensive? Or do you end up defending your memory, tone, intentions, or even trying to prove that you love them?
Are you allowed to be hurt even when you didn’t handle everything perfectly?
3. What are they apologizing for?
“I cut you off, and that was rude. I’m sorry,” is different from, “I’m sorry, but you’re being cold to me too.”
Listen for whether they name their behavior, or whether the conversation becomes another explanation of yours.
4. Who does the work afterward?
You’re watching videos, thinking about your reactions, and trying to understand theirs. Are they making any effort to understand you? Does that effort show up in how they treat you?
If every conversation ends with a list of things you need to work on while their behavior stays the same, pay attention. You may be taking the fairness trap home and continuing the argument against yourself long after they’ve stopped talking.
Take responsibility without taking all the blame
If you yelled, you can acknowledge that you yelled. You can work on how you respond. And you can still come back to the behavior you were trying to discuss in the first place.
When you hear, “We both made mistakes,” slow down and ask yourself what you’re agreeing to. Acknowledging your part doesn’t mean their behavior is excused, explained, or equal to yours.
If you’re feeling stuck after a relationship like this, the free Common Ego quiz can help you identify what’s holding you back. You can also book one-on-one coaching with Christina for support sorting through these patterns.